Lida pretended that they didn’t have a son. But that was only outwardly. Several times a day, she caught herself either examining a jacket, wondering if it would be too wide for him, or putting chocolate-covered marshmallows in the shopping cart, although no one but Sasha ate them. Lida sighed, put the marshmallows back on the shelf, and went to get wafers, which her husband and daughter, Sonya, liked, and once again repeated to herself, «When did I lose him?»
She couldn’t talk to her husband about it. He had thrown out all of the son’s belongings and photos, and it made him furious whenever someone accidentally mentioned Sasha. Once, he even smashed a cabinet and cut himself, and Lida spent a month trying to clean the blood stains from the floor, but eventually gave up and covered them with a new rug. She understood why her husband was so angry—he always saw in their son her brother Gena, who had once ruined his life. And Lida herself, to be honest, always knew that her brother’s genes had suddenly shown themselves in her son, whom she had tried all her life to forget, just as she was now trying to forget her son. Only now did she start to understand her mother, who hoped until the very end that her son would one day return.
«It’s all the bad blood of your brother!» her husband yelled when Sasha refused to go to wrestling, hockey, or any sports club, asking to be sent to a music school instead. «Did you hear what he’s saying? Send him to learn the violin! No, I understand if it were the guitar, that would still be acceptable. But the violin! What is he, a girl?»
They teased Gena with «girl» in school. He wore long hair, dressed in short, tight, colorful shirts, and listened to strange music. And in vain he tried to explain that it was just a style and showed foreign magazines—at the school on the outskirts of the city, where mostly children of the meat processing plant workers studied, they didn’t understand such style or such magazines. Gena was beaten many times, and at first Lida defended him, but then she stopped. She remembered his hurt eyes when she first did not intervene in another fight, and his words:
«You’re like Scar, a traitor, that’s who you are!»
Her mouth tasted salty. That was the first time Lida tasted betrayal.
«The Lion King» was their favorite cartoon. They watched it so many times that they didn’t even put the video cassette away from the table. Gena’s favorite character was Simba, and Lida’s was Timon.
Gena didn’t change, no matter how much they beat him. He wanted to become a musician or a fashion designer. His mother said it was his grandfather’s influence—he was a hereditary nobleman, a great art connoisseur. His father said it was all nonsense, but his mother had a family signet ring with an engraving, which she promised to give to Gena on his coming of age. Gena dreamed about it so much that he even seriously considered forging his birth year in the documents.
«Are you an idiot?» Lida laughed. «Do you think mom doesn’t remember the year you were born?»
The signet ring did not go to Gena, but to her. Because by eighteen, he was no longer living at home—got involved with the wrong crowd, started drinking, and then something even worse. His mother cried, his father said he no longer had a son. Just like Lida’s husband now.
They didn’t allow Sasha to learn the violin. Or the guitar either. Her husband feared that Gena’s spirit had possessed their son. And they were sure Gena was no longer alive, although they didn’t know where he was buried. With such an illness, one does not live long.
They found out about the illness the time Gena set up her husband-to-be. They were already living together—just rented an apartment and moved out from their parents. Lida was over the moon with happiness: it was nice to escape from the strict supervision of her parents and to be considered the fiancée of such a distinguished guy. He had served in the army and planned to apply to the Federal Service Academy, and Lida was terribly proud of it. True, she herself was afraid to go to Moscow, having been there only a few times and found the city too loud and confusing.
They never went to Moscow. And now, years later, Lida perfectly understood that her husband would never have been admitted. But he thought that only Gena, and his vile stance, ruined his life.
Gena came at night. Beaten up, with sickly shining eyes. Lida let him in, of course, although her future husband didn’t like it—he always disliked him. Gena was hiding from someone. He lived with them for about a week. Then he told her about the illness. Lida was terribly scared, she didn’t really know anything about it then. And, of course, she shared this with her fiancé. And he threw Gena out of the apartment and yelled at Lida for a long time, calling her a fool, and if he infected them…
Perhaps Gena was offended, so he informed the necessary people that there were several stashes in the apartment, where he himself kept that stuff. Gena set them up, what can I say, there were even fingerprints on the bags, probably he took them from the trash. Deliberately… And who after this is Scar?
The only thing her husband agreed to was art school, hoping that his son would at least become an architect, if not a hockey player. No, the husband didn’t lose hope—he made Sasha do push-ups, took him out to pour cold water over himself, although the son cried, saying it was cold… Sasha cried often, and his husband called him a whiner. If not for that, he would have forced him into hockey training, but he couldn’t allow his son to be called a sissy.
«Such a weakling, just like your brother,» he said.
Lida didn’t argue. Only to herself, she noted—Gena was much stronger than Sasha, he never cried. Not when they beat him at school, not when his stepfather tried to beat the «foolishness» out of him… No, Lida didn’t judge her son, just knew—he was different, not like Gena. Well, yes, he also leaned towards art and also liked all sorts of strange outfits, but otherwise Sasha was different, that she could definitely say. When he was little, Lida tried showing him «The Lion King,» but the son didn’t like the cartoon. And for some reason, it made her sad.
In some ways, he was much better than Gena—he didn’t hang out with bad companies, wasn’t prone to harmful habits. Only her husband would have preferred that Sasha hid cigarettes in his pockets rather than what was happening with him.
It all started with hair. He began growing it, just like Gena, and then the husband took the clipper and shaved him almost bald. Sasha cried, struggled, called his father the foulest words, for which he received even more. And a month later, when the hair grew back a bit, he dyed it bright green. Of course, he got beaten up by his father again and cried again.
Then there was the piercing, the first tattoo, one scandal after another. After finishing school, Sasha didn’t want to apply anywhere and said he would be tattooing, it’s not like he went to art school for nothing. Then even Lida was scared—you need to get some education, at least a vocational school! Her husband was happy—hoped that the son would be taken into the army and they would beat all the foolishness out of him. As if he had forgotten about the heart defect, or never really paid attention to it, although Sasha even had surgery, and Lida, already pregnant with Sonya, lay with him in the hospital and thought, for some reason, about Gena.
Perhaps she had known for a long time that this was how it would end—in recent times they argued so much that sooner or later it had to happen. Her husband also started drinking, and then he couldn’t restrain himself at all. That time, Sasha fought back, not afraid. In the morning, Sasha’s belongings were already on the staircase landing.
«I never want to see you here again,» said the husband to his son.
Lida cried, of course. But when her husband swung at her, she decided it was better not to anger him. Sometimes, or rather, more and more often, she thought about leaving him, but even the thought of it terrified her. Firstly, she had nowhere to go—they sold her parents’ apartment and bought this one in joint use, and she had no one else. Secondly, she was simply scared—she had never lived alone, the library paid her pennies, so… Moreover, her husband adored their daughter, and he would never lay a hand on her, he dusted her off! He even once said, kind of jokingly, that he would throw any of her suitors down the stairs. But both Lida and even Sonya understood—there was a lot of truth in this joke. Therefore, Sonya prudently did not bring her boyfriends home, although she had them, Lida knew for sure—once accidentally saw their correspondence on the laptop. Sonya generally sat on her laptop all day, even took it to college.
«Mom,» she whispered one September day, when their father was in the bathroom, and they were alone making dumplings in the kitchen. «Sasha is getting married in two weeks.»
The dumpling flew out of Lida’s hands.
«Getting married?»
«Normally. How else do people get married? He invited me to the wedding. And you, by the way.»
Lida’s heart raced.
«So, you’re in touch with him?»
Her daughter widened her eyes.
«If you, heartless people, kicked your own son out of the house, do you think I’ll reject my brother?»
Lida felt ashamed, as if her daughter knew everything about Gena and was reproaching her with it.
«I didn’t kick him out,» she began to justify herself.
Her daughter waved her hand.
«Ah, you didn’t kick him out… No, but at least once you stood up for him! Okay, not now. What I want to say is—you do what you want, but I’m going.»
Lida shook her head.
«Father will never let you.»
«That’s what I’m saying. Can you think of something?»
The thought of deceiving her husband immediately made Lida feel sick.
«Do you have a photograph?» she whispered.
«Whose, Sasha’s?» Sonya was surprised.
«No! Of the bride.»
«Ah… Yes, I’ll show you now.»
Her daughter grabbed the laptop with dirty hands, spilling flour on the keys. Lida wanted to scold her, but restrained herself—it wasn’t the time to argue.
«Here,» Sonya announced triumphantly.
At the sight of her son’s bride, Lida’s heart lurched—no, her husband definitely wouldn’t like her! Covered in tattoos, some kind of sheep’s tails instead of hair on her head, a ring in her nose…
«What a nightmare!» Lida blurted out.
Sonya rolled her eyes.
«Oh mom, you again? I beg you, think of something for dad, okay? I really want to go!»
Lida wanted to go herself, especially after her daughter showed her the message. Sasha wrote: «tell mom we would be very happy to see her.» In the avatar, the son had yellow, chick-like hair, and even more tattoos.
Deceiving her husband was not easy, Lida knew that. But over the years of living with him, she had learned a thing or two. She didn’t say anything in advance, although she bought her daughter an outfit and took a dress from a second-hand store. The money for the gift had to be taken from her stash, and her husband might notice, but Lida hoped it would pass.
On the eve of the wedding, she declared.
«Aunt Dusya died.»
She lied, not even blinking. Aunt Dusya had died ten years ago, but then she hadn’t told her husband about it. He didn’t even know any Aunt Dusya.
«We have to go,» she continued calmly. «Maybe some inheritance will come our way.»
Her husband loved money. So he nodded happily.
«Let’s go, what’s there to talk about!»
«Well, yes, her sister says the roof is completely worn out, and the fence fell—needs to be patched up. You’re our jack of all trades, the only hope for you.»
Besides the fact that her husband loved money, he was terribly lazy when it came to someone else’s work. Yes, everything was perfect at their home, here Lida told the truth—her husband could fix any item, did the repairs himself, etc. But for free—no way. And her trick worked.
«We have packing to do, I won’t be able to go.»
«Maybe I’ll take Sonya with me? She can help out.»
«Where to go?»
This was risky. But better not to lie here.
«Well, they live near St. Petersburg, I told you.»
Actually, near Tambov, but that was irrelevant now.
At the mention of the city where their son had gone, her husband tensed up. But Lida tried to look straight and innocent, as if Sasha had nothing to do with it. And her husband gave in.
«Well, yes, let her go.»
Festive outfits had to be hidden in bags so as not to raise suspicions—you don’t go to a funeral with a suitcase. Sonya was as excited as a child, typing messages to her brother.
«He’s so happy you’re coming! And Mila too.»
«Mila?»
«Well, his bride. Only her brother will be there, her parents died last year, can you imagine? She must be very sad about that. Just don’t you dare make your stupid comments about tattoos and all that, got it?»
Lida sighed—as if she was the one who made the comments!
Then Lida thought—how would everything have turned out if she had turned off the phone, as she had planned? She was worried that her husband would still find out the truth, and like in a movie, would burst into the airport building, making them return, and she was about to switch her phone to airplane mode, although there were still two hours until boarding, but she changed her mind. Better to know that he knew (and Lida had no doubt that her husband would call) than to sit and fret in ignorance. So, when the call came, she scolded herself—why did she leave it on! She looked at the screen.
It was not her husband. An unknown number.
«Hello?»
«Lidia?»
«Yes.»
«My name is Anya. I’m calling on behalf of your brother, Gennady.»
It was good that Lida was sitting because her head spun and her vision darkened.
«Gennady?» she stammered. Her mouth tasted salty.
«Yes. He… He’s dying. And wants to see you.»
If this woman had said that Gennady sent her greetings from the other side, Lidia would have been less surprised. She couldn’t utter a word for a long time, so the girl asked:
«Are you still here?»
«Yes,» Lida breathed out. «Sorry, it’s just so… I thought that he, that he…»
She fell silent.
«So, will you come?»
Lida noticed the irritation in the woman’s voice.
«Now?» asked Lida, although she understood how stupid her question sounded.
Her daughter, who hadn’t been listening very attentively to her conversation after making sure it wasn’t her father calling, became concerned. And Lida, understanding the difficult choice before her, did not hesitate for a second and answered:
«I’ll come.»
Her daughter, of course, was upset. At first, she didn’t even believe Lida, she had never heard of Gennady. Or maybe she didn’t believe at all, Lida had no time to figure it out. Never mind, Sasha would understand, it was his wedding, maybe not the last one (she didn’t really like that tattooed girl anyway), but she only had one brother.
She didn’t recognize him at first and even thought they had tricked her. Someone found out about Gena and decided to play a prank on her. But who and why?
The man on the bed was thin, with yellowish skin, short gray hair. Nothing in common with her brother. But when Lida approached closer, she immediately recognized the eyes—blue, almost transparent, with dark specks around the rim. Lida hesitantly sat down next to him on a chair and looked at him for a long time, not knowing what to say. Gena himself reached out and touched her, pronouncing her name with a hoarse voice:
«Lidochka…»
What can you manage to talk about if you haven’t seen each other for twenty years? If you have only a few hours or days left? Lida didn’t know and even regretted coming.
«You have such a face right now,» Gena laughed. «Like we’re watching ‘The Lion King’ again, remember?»
Lida remembered. And suddenly, the awkwardness was lifted. She started talking, and he talked—they interrupted each other, asked questions, and answered them right away.
«Why have you been hiding all these years?» Lida finally asked.
Gena was surprised.
«I wrote to you. First letters, then called the landline, but your husband… In short, I decided that you didn’t want to communicate with me. A few years ago, when I thought that you surely had a cell phone, I found it and sent you a message, don’t you remember?»
Lida didn’t receive any message.
«You replied, asking me not to seek a meeting. I didn’t look for one. I understood that after everything that happened… It was Anya who persuaded me, I didn’t want to bother you, but she insisted.»
He fell silent. And Lida thought that her husband must have been involved in this… But it was not the time to discuss it now. And she changed the subject—told Gena about Sonya, about Sasha, though omitting the part that he was kicked out of the house.
«He’s making tattoos, can you imagine? I, of course, was upset—we thought he’d be an architect, and he…»
Gena weakly laughed.
«Remember how you drew tattoos on me with a blue pen? And mother scolded us, said that only convicts get tattoos.»
«That didn’t happen!» Lida objected.
«It did, it did,» he chuckled. «We were still little then. Oh, Lidka, if only we could return to those times for a moment…»
Suddenly, Lida was struck by an idea. She took off the signet ring, which Gena had once so wanted to receive, and put it on his finger. She saw that the ring was loose, and her heart clenched—he had become so thin, as if not just dying, but melting, trying to leave as few traces in this world as possible.
When she caught his gaze, she saw there much that was hard to express in words. They were silent.
«And this Anya—who is she to you?» Lida asked cautiously.
«My wife.»
«Wife? So young? But you…»
She couldn’t finish her thought, didn’t know how to talk about his illness.
Gena smiled warmly and said:
«She’s so good… If you knew how she saved me!»
Lida stayed overnight in the hospital, they took turns sitting by his bedside with Anya. Lida was very afraid that her brother would not last her shift, but she was afraid in vain—he died in the arms of his Anya. When Lida woke up, she immediately knew it from the unnatural silence in the ward, and she was overcome with a sadness that hadn’t been there for all those years.
Of course, everything came out: Sasha’s wedding and her farewell to her brother. Her husband caused a terrible scandal, even hit her, and Lida was glad: it gave her a reason to do what she had long planned.
«I’m leaving,» she said. «Enough, I can’t take it anymore. You’ve kept me in fear all my life, like some animal, not a person!»
Her husband looked at her angrily and bewildered. Then a spiteful smile appeared on his face.
«Well, go then! Where will you go? To our clown son? Well, let’s see how he’ll take you in!»
Lida held her head high and said:
«Don’t worry, I have somewhere to go. Gena left me something.»
A greedy glint flashed in her husband’s eyes—he loved inheritance. And Lida added:
«And don’t hope—you won’t get anything.»
She was afraid that her husband would try to stop her. But perhaps she had worried all those years in vain—her husband let her go easily, and even seemed somewhat relieved. And Lida suddenly thought—had he been dreaming of the same thing? Perhaps all his anger was because somewhere there was another woman waiting for him, whom he couldn’t leave because of his beloved daughter? But it wasn’t worth figuring out now…
She was bluffing when she said she had somewhere to go—Gena really left her some money, but almost all his funds went to treatment in the last year, when his condition worsened. But her guess turned out to be correct—her husband had had a mistress for a long time, and he hoped that Sonya would forgive him, considering that it was Lida who filed for divorce. Sonya didn’t care either way, as long as they left her alone. And her husband gave them the apartment—he took all his things, the new TV, and even the refrigerator, but he left the apartment to them. And Lida felt free, although she had long forgotten what that word meant.
Her daughter gave her the address of the salon. Navigating an unfamiliar city was difficult. She asked passers-by for directions twice, but still got lost and even walked past the building where the salon was located. She entered cautiously, not knowing what kind of meeting awaited her. The girl at the counter asked her how much and to whom she was booked, and Lida was embarrassed—she hadn’t thought about it.
«I would like to see Alexander,» she said uncertainly.
«So you didn’t book?» the girl was surprised.
Lida shook her head.
«Okay, I’ll ask now. You want to discuss a tattoo, right?»
«Well, yes,» Lida agreed. «Discuss.»
The girl returned after a couple of minutes.
«He’ll see you. But keep in mind that he has a client at fifteen.»
Lida tentatively entered the indicated office. And tears immediately welled up in her eyes—she hadn’t seen her son for so long, and he had changed so much…
«Mom?»
Sasha jumped to his feet, but apparently, he wasn’t very surprised. Probably, Sonya had warned him.
«Hello, son.»
Lida wanted to hug him, but she wasn’t sure that her son wouldn’t push her away. But then he himself approached her and awkwardly pulled her to him. Lida, of course, snuffled.
«Well, mom…» Sasha groaned.
She wiped her face with her palms and said:
«Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry. And actually—I came here for a reason. Can you make me a tattoo?»
Sasha’s eyes widened, just like Sonya’s.
«Mom, what are you doing?»
«What—can you have one, and I can’t?»
He laughed.
«Are you serious right now?»
Lida sat on the couch intended for clients.
«I want something small,» she said. «Just for memory.»
Sasha became serious.
«Do you want to see the sketches?»
Lida thought for a moment and shook her head.
«No need. I know what I want. Can you make me Simba? You know, the lion cub from ‘The Lion King,'» she clarified, seeing confusion on her son’s face.
Sasha beamed.
«Of course, I can! You always loved that cartoon, didn’t you?»
«Loved,» Lida answered. «Very much…»
It turned out that getting a tattoo was painful. Lida bit her lip. Her mouth tasted salty. When she closed her eyes, it seemed to her that she was once again a little girl, watching her favorite cartoon, and her younger brother was sitting next to her, pressing his shoulder against hers…
